What are pronouns and why are they important?
In English, pronouns are a part of speech used to refer to a person, noun, or noun phrase. When talking about an individual, we often use “third-person pronouns” as a substitution for a person’s name, for example: “He works as a nurse at UCSF.” Other common pronouns include she, they, and it.
In the LGBTQIA+ context, personal pronouns are an important part of self-identification. Using a person’s pronouns and lived name are essential ways of affirming another’s identity.
A person who is cisgender has a “gender identity (that) aligns with the sex they were assigned at birth, based on societal expectations.” Most people who are cisgender use “he/him/his” or “she/her/hers” pronouns.
Malik identifies as a cisgender male. Malik was assigned male at birth (AMAB) and has biologically male characteristics. He is comfortable being recognized socially as a man, and uses he and him pronouns.
Louisa identifies as a cisgender female. Louisa was assigned female at birth (AFAB) and has biologically female characteristics. She likes to keep her hair short, and wears more masculine clothes like baggy jeans and button-ups. She is comfortable being recognized socially as a woman, and uses she and her pronouns.
Gender identity is different than sex assigned at birth, biological sex, and sexual orientation. Gender is “a social construct used to categorize a person as a man, woman, or other identifier (ie: nonbinary, agender, transgender, gender-fluid) and their social roles.” To learn about the spectrum of gender identities and other LGBTQIA+ terms, click here.
While pronouns can be indicative of gender identity, this is not always the case. We often make assumptions about someone’s gender and/or pronouns because of their name or the way they dress. Just because someone might wear a dress, have long hair, or present in other conventionally feminine ways, does not mean their pronouns are she or her. The same applies for those that present in conventionally masculine ways, or those that appear androgynous.
Besides she/her/hers and he/him/his, another common set of pronouns is they/them/theirs. These pronouns are widely considered to be gender-neutral, and are often used by people who do not identify as male or female. People who use they/them/theirs pronouns may identify outside the gender binary, as nonbinary, two-spirit, transgender, agender, genderfluid, or other genderqueer identities. Learn more about these identities here.
Individuals may choose to use “mixed pronouns,” meaning they use more than one set of pronouns to identify themselves. For example, someone can use both she/her/hers and they/them/theirs or he/him/his and she/her/hers and they/them/theirs pronouns. They may prefer to use one set of pronouns over the other in certain contexts, or even for personal safety. Many people with mixed pronouns prefer to have both sets of pronouns used interchangeably. Individuals with mixed pronouns should be asked for their preferences to know how they would like their pronouns to be used in conversation.
Kaori identifies as genderfluid. Though Kaori was assigned male at birth, they use she/they pronouns and take estrogen. She likes wearing both traditionally masculine and feminine clothing. Her friends interchangeably use they/them/theirs and she/her/hers pronouns when referring to them.
Sex ≠ gender ≠ pronouns. Sex assigned at birth, biological characteristics, and presentation aside, pronouns are self-determined and should be used and respected by others.
While it may feel difficult or confusing to use they and them pronouns when referring to someone, it is important to note that these pronouns are often used in everyday life when a subject’s gender is unknown or irrelevant (ie: “Someone left a wallet on the table—I hope they come back to get it”).
Neopronouns
Neopronouns are words used as pronouns that do not have any connection to gender expression. Examples of neopronouns include ze/zir/zirs, fae/faer/faers, and xe/xir/xirs. While neopronoun awareness and use has increased during the 21st century, neopronouns have been around since the 12th century, when English “he” and “heo” pronouns led to the evolution of the feminine pronoun “she.” Individuals may use neopronouns as a form of self-expression and rejection of gender and the gender binary. Learn more about neopronouns here.
How to correct yourself and others when a mistake is made
If you mistakenly misgender someone, correct yourself quickly and carry on your conversation. A brief apology may be warrented.
It is understandable and accepted by most transgender and gender-diverse individuals that adjusting to pronouns can take time. Profuse apologies or expressing how difficult certain pronoun use is can be very uncomfortable and alienating for the person you misgendered.
If you notice someone is being misgendered in conversation, you can politely correct the speaker by saying something short and simple like: “Jamie actually uses they/them pronouns.” This is an easy way of advocating for your trans and gender-diverse friends when they are not around.
An example of self-corrected misgendering: “I met Wong Wei during his second year of school—I apologize—I met her during her second year of school when we were lab partners.”
A word about degendering
While using they/them pronouns for all queer people or using a person’s name instead of a pronoun might feel easier for certain people, this is also a form of misgendering called “degendering.” Misgendering can occur intentionally or unintentionally when “refer(ring) to someone in a way that does not affirm or align with that person’s gender identity; for example, by using incorrect pronouns or by deadnaming.” Degendering occurs when someone uses gender neutral pronouns (like they/them) or no pronouns at all for someone that specifically uses he, she, etc, pronouns. This is especially prevalent in pseudo-progressive spaces. For example, do not use they/them pronouns for a transgender person who identifies as female and uses she/her pronouns (this is misgendering!).
How can I normalize pronoun use and be an ally to my trans and gender-diverse friends?
- Use the pronouns an individual self-identifies. If it takes you some time to adjust to proper pronoun use, practice on your own. Practice until you can confidently use and defend your friend’s pronouns.
- Normalize exchanging pronouns when meeting new people, leading discussions, and other social interactions. An easy way of implementing this is by introducing yourself and your pronouns before asking for the same. For example: “My name is Doctor Valdez and I use he/they pronouns. What about you?”
- Display your own name and pronouns on your profiles, email signatures, meetings, name tags, business cards, etc.
- Correct all misgendering whether intentional or unintentional.
- Look for opportunities to educate yourself on LGBTQIA+ topics and ask your friend how you can advocate for them.
- Use gender-neutral language in the office and clinic, like “friends, folks, everyone, ya’ll,” etc.
- Include gender-neutral titles and nonbinary gender options on forms.
Sources: HRC, Them, Out & Equal, UC Davis’ LGBTQIA Resource Center, the National LGBTQIA+ Health Education Center, The Safe Zone Project, PFLAG, and UC Santa Barbara’s Resource Center for Sexual & Gender Diversity.
